I have news for you . . . no one will get out of life alive. We are all going to die and I can guarantee that no one you know, is going to life forever. And unfortunately many of us have experienced the loss of someone sooner than we had planned or hoped. And even though many folks want to be helpful, many times people say the dumbest things to people who are grieving. For example:
I know how you feel.
God never gives you more than you can handle.
Here, you need to read this now.
He’s better off; she’s in a better place.
It’s God’s will.
You’re lucky, you have . . . other kids, don’t have to see them suffer anymore.
And the number one, worst . . . you should be moving on by now.
You see the problem with moving on from grief is that it implies that we are to simply “let it go” or forget about the person, begin a new chapter, etc.
Now today is the great feast of Ascension, when Jesus gloriously leaves the disciples AGAIN. That is, he left them when he died, came back and is now gone again. Talk about an emotional roller-coaster. For even with the joy of the experience (as Hollywood and Renaissance paintings like to portray this with lots of clouds, angels, beams of light, airy music and wonder.) That fact remains that the disciples were probably AGAIN devastated that their friend is gone.
I would like to imagine the two men who suddenly appeared to the disciples (in the Book of Acts) said to them, “Men of Galilee, don’t move on FROM your grief. Move forward WITH your grief.” Let me say that again, “Don’t move on from your grief, move forward with your grief.”
That’s good advice. For we have all experienced some kind of loss: a death, a job, a relationship, a dream, a big game, a pet. But we should not try to move on from it, we move forward WITH it. With the pain and hurt that this loss means to you. Don’t try to forget about the person. Don’t try to minimize your emptiness. Embrace it, hold it, cherish it. Share you story. Ritualize your memory.
For example I tell people to ritualize the move from a house. That is, go into every room and have everyone tell the memories that they have of that room. You could even journal about it. You can do the same thing with selling a car, or letting go of a pet.
For a person who has died, some good rituals are to light a candle for that person on their special days (e.g. anniversaries, birthdays). Set a place at your table on those days. If you would have bought them a gift, go buy the gift (still) and donate it to someone else. Have a Mass said in their honor, donate flowers at Christmas and Easter that help decorate our sanctuary.
Pray with them. Don’t be afraid to talk to them. Ask them to pray for you. In our Catholic liturgy, we say that life does not end at death, it just changes. A saint from the 3rd century, St. John Chrysostom, once said, “They whom we love and lose are no longer where they were before. They are now, wherever we are.”
As you move forward in your life. Move WITH that person. Bring all the collective love and experience of them WITH you. You don’t have to leave it, or forget it. Instead share, talk about it, celebrate it.
You know, today is the anniversary of our parish. We merged together 9 years ago. And that merging was painful for some, especially those who grew up in either St. Edwards (here in Princeton) or in St. Piux (in Zimmerman). But we don’t forget the goodness and grace of either parish. That why each basement hall is named after that original parish name and the cemeteries have kept their names.
We don’t move ON, we move forward with them as we continue to become one. We carry that with us their legacy, their grace. We moved forward WITH the memory and experience of both parishes. Jesus ascended, but there’s more to the story. And there’s more to your story. As the mystic Julian of Norwich said, “All will be well.”