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February 12, 2023: Boundaries

 

As you know I come from a large family, and for most of my growing up years, I “got to” share a bed with my next brother, Cliff.  Well as we got older sleeping was more of a “shove and pull” event, for we always drew this imaginary line down the mattress and if either of us crossed that line we’d get awaken up with “Hey your on my side, get over.” 

 

Boundaries are important at every age.  In fact, it’s been theorized that the reason so many kids are screwed up today, is because parents neglected setting boundaries or rules for them.  Parents, meaning well, probably trying to react against having so many rules thrust on them growing up didn’t enforce too many rules.  So in an attempt to show unconditional love, left kids to decide for themselves what is right for them.  Basically they were left to start from zero.  And behavioral scientists are discovering that it is messing kids up rather than helping them.   

 

Even you parents who let your kid decide if they want to go to Church, or let them decide if they want to attend our Faith Formation program . . . you are actually harming them.  We all need to know our boundaries, the limits, rules.  It’s important when playing a sports game (here’s the out of bounds, the off-sides, the blue line).  It’s important when you are driving down a road (this is my lane, that’s yours).  Not only does it keep that other person safe, but you will know that you are safe.  

 

Look at this [Altar servers hold a rope in front of me].  We all need a wall to butt up against to know the limits so that we can create a strong identity.  This is right [my side of boundary] that is wrong [point to opposite side of boundary].  This is what I can do [my side] that is what I can’t do [other side]. If I get to do whatever I want, then I never get to know what’s “ME” and what’s “YOU.”  And I won’t learn respect other people and their needs.  

 

“A boundary is the way we internalize our own deeper values, educate our feeling function, and dethrone our own narcissism. We all need to internalize the sacred no to our natural egocentricity.  It seems we need a certain level of frustration, a certain amount of not having our needs met so that we can realize there are other people who also have needs and desires and feelings.”

 

And knowing your boundary will allow you to enjoy life more.  The game is more fun when you know that there are rules in place. Your family will function healthier when they know someone is in charge.  Personally, If I set a boundary for drinking just ONE glass of wine, I will savor it more than having all the wine I want.  When an unmarried couple can set a boundary in their love making it makes “what they do” more exciting, rather than saying “anything is fine.”

 

Now in the gospel Jesus takes this boundary thing a step further.  Because it’s not just about knowing the boundary, as he quotes, “You shall not kill, you shall not commit adultery, you shall no take a false oath.” (Which means to declare, ‘In the name of God, I promise to do this.)  For we all know how to push the boundaries [lean into the rope boundary].  For example, as you do your taxes, or looking at inappropriate websites, or for you kids when your parents tell you to clean your room (and you just hide things or rearrange things) or texting as your drive.  It’s as if Jesus is saying, “Don’t play games with God.”  Even if no one knows, or you don’t get caught . . . do the honorable thing! 

 

With you and God, set your boundary.  For you parents set your kids boundaries until they have moved out of the house.  Set your boundary [hold arms out] then trust that God has wonderful things in store for you [open arms to expand up and down] when you know what you can do and not do. When Jesus talks about killing, he is saying, “Come on, don’t get angry as you ‘kill the spirit’ of that person.”  Or with adultery, “Examine your pornography use.”  Or with taking an oath, “Come on, depend on your word, don’t hide behind God.”  Then as it said in the first reading from Sirach, “If you choose you can keep the commandments, they will save you; if you trust God, you too shall live.” 

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