It has been a year since all the COVID lock-down started. Wow, most of us have felt that we are in a funk, or at least have a COVID fatigue, as I call it. It can even feel like darkness is all around us. That is, something we didn’t anticipate or want, but it still happened. And it’s awful. But some good news, the US Catholic Bishops have given full support for all of the vaccinations. So go get one.
Anyway, another thing that can feel like darkness is when someone hurts us, or disappoints, lies to us or even ignore us. Perhaps a parent constantly criticized you growing up, a colleague sabotaged a project or your partner had an affair. Or maybe you've had a traumatic experience, such as being physically or emotionally abused by someone close to you. It can feel like being in darkness.
[All lights get turned off]
So what do we do? We all have heard that we “should” forgive; for that will help us. It will enlighten us in our darkness. But too often the forgiveness we create is fake [I turn on an artificial candle]. Oh it’s nice in some respects and it has the outward appearance of looking like forgiveness.
Think of when a parent makes a child apologize to a sibling for something. It’s a good thing, but often is not sincere and the sibling knows it. Growing up, my older brother used to beat the snot out of me daily, and even when my parents would make him apologize. I knew he didn’t mean it and was probably was going to “clobber me” at his next opportunity. So I don’t ever remember me forgiving him. It just didn’t seem right.
You see, an artificial forgiveness doesn’t cause any huge change in our attitudes. We remain hurt. We still can’t let go of the situation. And the worst kind of hurt is when that person doesn’t ASK for forgiveness, doesn’t admit their wrong . . . and doesn’t seem to be effected by the action. And it’s tough to forgive jerks who keep acting like jerks.
And then Jesus comes along and says, “Forgive 70 times 7, turn the other cheek, love your enemies.” Come on Jesus give me a break. I haven’t done anything wrong, I am the one who is hurt and that person (like my brother) doesn’t even seem to notice. According to the Mayo Clinic website: people who nurse anger, harbor animosity and refuse to forgive . . . bring these negative emotions into EVERY relationship and new experience, thus experiencing people and life through a distorted filter. It’s not fair.
And the gospel today says, “The light came into the world.” [I light a real candle]. “And some preferred to stay in the darkness” . . . . and I get it, we want a sincere apology, we want the person to change, we want them to suffer as much as we have suffered.
What do we do? Forgiveness is a practice. It is a learned process that is complex. It’s like lifting weights . . . there is never an instant change, but over time improvement happens.
- Acknowledge the hurt and the feelings that arise in you. Start with talking to God about. Then maybe move to a writing about your feeling in a journal. Then tell a trusted friend or family member. Be real. Be honest.
- Next, ask yourself, “What am I gaining by keeping this grudge or hanging onto this anger? What need is it satisfying?” With my brother, I wanted to be a martyr and I wanted him to realize how rotten he was. And I couldn’t forgive, because that felt like I was saying it’s OK or saying that I wasn’t hurt. FORGIVENESS IS NOT FORGETTING. Yes, forgive but that doesn’t mean you need to forget.
- Create some kind of ritual for moving forward. For example, write a letter to that person, then go to their grave and read it out loud. Maybe write a dialogue with them in your journal. Another ritual idea is to gather a pail of rocks and then go to some open water and throw each rock in the water and you express your feelings. But here’s the best one . . . pray for them. Yep, not to prayer that they “see their evil ways and come begging for mercy.” No, pray for their well-being. Pray that they have a good day, a good sleep or a good meal. Jesus says to prayer for our enemies. He means it.
The best way for you to move beyond that resentment you carry, that anger, that disgust . . . and to move forward . . . is to stop those negative feelings about them and intentionally start wishing good for them. I know, it sounds crazy. But just as much of our faith is crazy. That is, goodness coming from a cross, or a Virgin having a baby, or bread becoming the presence of God. It’s bigger then you. It’s about letting go, trusting God.
This week, we are honoring St. Cecilia (the patron saint of music) who along with her husband were martyred back in the 3rd century because they did not give up on God. And we honor St. Patrick. He’s more than just the patron saint of Ireland and green beer. He faced injustices as he wandered around Ireland, and turned over his anger and bitterness and found forgiveness.
You see, you can stuck in your anger and bitterness and want revenge, justice, an apology, mercy. And you may never get it. But I recommend that you pray for good things for that person/persons that hurt you every day! It may take weeks. Don’t stop. Stay with it. Forgiveness is not a feeling. It is an act of the will; an opportunity for you to be fee. You are not praying to change them, you are praying so that God can change you.
And maybe the words of St. Patrick will kindle a hope in you, a trust for you, and a forgiveness with you. And as you do, it’s like letting Christ’s light shine IN you. And perhaps the light can spread and that’s how the world changes. [I light candles, as I read St. Patrick’s Breastplate. Many people in congregation light hand-held candles as I read.]
I arise to-day, Through God's strength to pilot me:
God's eyes to look before me, God's wisdom to guide me,
God's way to lie before me, God's shield to protect me,
From all who shall wish me ill, Afar and anear, Alone and in a multitude.
Against every cruel merciless power that may oppose my body and soul
Christ with me, Christ before me, Christ behind me,
Christ in me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ on my right, Christ on my left,
Christ when I lie down, Christ when I sit down,
Christ when I arise, Christ to shield me,
Christ in the heart of every one who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth of every one who speaks of me.
I arise to-day
[Lights back on]
Oh, my brother and reconciled as adults. So if you are watching this . . . I love you Denny.